I’m Burnt Out
A few weeks ago I told boyfriend I secretly hate making content. His response? “Yeah.“ He was waiting for me to realize it on my own. He could tell I had been struggling since my speaking and education career was drying up, and was watching me pour so much energy into a thing that was supposed to be fun when I started. He was smart not to tell me before I was ready to hear it.
I had promised myself I’d give full-time content a go this year, but found I was spreading myself too thin to come up with constant ideas and get attention and post multiple times a day. Without the engagement my accounts used to get, it was too difficult for me to stay motivated and people were starting to notice. When I started talking to other people about this, they already knew. The light had left my eyes in my videos. I wasn’t as passionate as I used to be. I was struggling, and it wasn’t so silent.
Part of my problem was that I rely on series to help me think of things to talk about. So I set up daily series for the weeks. Mondays are for Dear Baby Maybe. Tuesdays I started doing LGBT ABCs on YouTube. Wednesdays were for video essays about GENDER & Other Lies You’ve Been Living on Patreon. Thursdays were for Makeup For Lost Time on YouTube. Fridays I would post my reactions to a movie I’d never seen before. (This used to be a monthly series but I made it weekly after finding a faster way to edit but it ultimately still was the longest labor-intensive of all.) I tried bible readings, I was clipping my long form content into shorts… ultimately I spent so much more time sitting at my computer editing and scheduling and designing. I wasn’t enjoying it anymore. I had a backlog of things I was supposed to edit and post, some footage still hasn’t been touched.
I took a week off when boyfriend and I went on vacation. I had told myself I would schedule videos in advance so I could fully unplug. Then I sat for a full day unable to do anything. That’s when I realized - I’m burnt out. I thought I’d reached burn out before, but this is the worst it’s been. I tried to do too much, I wanted to be everything at once, and I burnt myself out. So I decided to actually take the week off. Unplug. Then in the airport, waiting for our departure, I wrote a Dear Baby Maybe and posted it as we were boarding. When we got to South Carolina, I did effectively put my phone down and stayed present with boyfriend. But while he napped off the flight, I wrote another Dear Baby Maybe.
That’s when it clicked for me. I’m not burnt out of ideas and quality content, I’m burnt out from video content and being a one person film studio. I also was trying to do too many similar things in different formats. On top of those weekly series, I also merged my mailing list with Substack and weekly The Maybe List posts. But these topics are similar to GENDER & Other Lies You’ve Been Living, and Makeup For Lost Time started doing similar topics. It got to the point where I would get an idea but then get stuck deciding where to put it. I had too many forms, and not enough distinction. Giving myself a week free from making videos took that decision-making process away and I was able to write two different pieces in the same day, which I don’t think I’d ever done. (I’m currently writing this the day it will be posted.)
The System Changed
The other part of the problem is that social media is not what I once fell in love with. We have been incentivized to chase numbers and virality and beating the algorithm, but that’s not what so many of us initially signed up for. There used to be a time where you could actually see everything from the people you follow. There used to be a time where not posting for a while didn’t come with the punishment of not getting as many views when you return. There used to be a time when you could post when you were inspired to or had a fun idea instead of forcing an idea because you need to post.
For so many marginalized creators who talk about politics and identity like I do, it doesn’t matter how engaging or high quality your content is, they’ll suppress anything you have to say. The corporate overlords, the tech bros turned oligarchs, have rigged the game so that it’s impossible for many creators to become successful like we used to. In just five years, the landscape of social media has completely shifted. From the political landscape to the algorithmic incentives to the use of AI, the game is completely different now. And this game sucks.
How I’m Moving Forward
I resisted playing into the algorithm’s hand for so long, and I’m realizing I was right. My content was better when I didn’t post for the sake of consistency. My mental health was better when I wasn’t constantly chasing numbers. My life was better when social media wasn’t my main focus. (This is ultimately tied to my speaking career being politicized and all but destroyed, but that’s a whole other conversation.)
When boyfriend and I got back from vacation, I was a shell. I couldn’t get off the couch. The burnout was finally hitting me, vacation had delayed it. But I still could write. So I’m taking that as a sign. I’m deprioritizing video content, and focusing on my writing. It’s easier content to produce, and feels like the best venue for my thoughts at this point. I picked up a part time job to help sustain me, and hope that it will benefit me to be getting out of the house and around people regularly. I’m shutting down my Patreon, relaxing my approach to short for content, and focusing on what got me here in the first place.
Many of you have watched my content evolve over several years and stayed engaged at every iteration. Hopefully the mere fact that you’re here means you won’t mind a shift to more text and less face time. But ultimately, this is a decision I’m making for my own well-being.